Wednesday, November 17, 2010
My heart is divided...
well, that's not true. My heart and my brain are divided. Follow vs.Be Responsible. I always choose follow, but am I really choosing to follow Christ? My heart tells me I am, but my brain makes me question whether it is me following Christ or simply following my own personal desires. How do I know the difference? They should be one in the same, but are they? The only way I know is to pray. The last time my heart and brain disagreed like this, I prayed, crying my heart out, that God would show me where He wanted me to be. He closed one door the next day. Then He closed the other one 2 months later. I moved back to the AV within 10 days of the 2nd door closing. I only saw two doors. Am I missing one again? I don't know if I can handle my world being torn apart again. Maybe I'm stronger than I was and can handle it now, or maybe I've had all I can take. I pray he shows me the way without ripping my heart apart again, but should I be asking God with boundaries? No. So God, do whatever you need to, to make me see which door I am to walk through next. Amen.
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4 comments:
Remember: Don't rely on your own strength. Its really only through His strength that we can really even know/accomplish anything He has placed before us. I know that God will lead you to the right path.
Just remember: God's work always trumps worldly responsibility. This world will perish. His kingdom is forever.
Love you Jac!
Thanks Renee. :) I trust that He will guide me. I know ultimately where He is leading me, just not all the in between... at least, I think I know where He is leading......... He is after all, God, and I am not. He can do whatever He wants to with me!
I strive to follow, but I also need to follow through and pay my bills. I could have made the choice to not go to college, or go somewhere cheaper, but I didn't, so I need to be responsible for my choices... but the line between responsibility for choices and responsibility for future choices is hard to see... know what I mean???
I know exactly what you mean. And I relate.
Part of my heart is half-way around the world... but God hasn't opened those doors yet or brought me to a place where I know for certain he is saying "GO."
However, I do know He is always telling me to go somewhere, be it to the other side of the world, across the country, upstate or down the street.
You're totally right though about following through on our responsibilities. We can't just shirk off the responsibilities that are here and now. I was wrong to say that God's work always trumps worldly responsibility because God knew before time existed that we'd have those responsibilities. They ARE His will. Sometimes I just don't like thinking of them like that because.... I get lazy. :P
I've always loved missions, and always have known that they would be part of God's life for me in some way or another. But when it came time for college, I so wanted away from my house that I was willing to go to an expensive school just far enough away that my mom didn't have a heart attack and spend waaaay too much money on a degree I didn't really need. I could have gone to AVC and studied Spanish or whatever, gotten an AA and gone from there.. I chose not to, despite Kristin Elder telling me I would never get to be a missionary with debt. You'd think I would have listened to her, seeing that she was a missionary... and I looked up to her more than anyone, but no. I was stubborn. Now I'm paying for it. Grrr. My selfish choices before make me want to run from the responsibility now.
(See, I write essays too. ) :)
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